I realize that this is my first post in several months. I have been "A Long Time Gone." I have had a lot of things on my mind, but I am not sure I want to share them with the world. I am not sure that you want me to share them with you. So, I have kept them all inside until I couldn't hold back the raging flood that must burst forth and rush onward toward the sea of my ultimate reality. To attempt to hold back the torrent would be futile, self-destructive and unproductive. Then again I am not sure why I am concerned because futility, self-destructiveness and lack of productivity is the story of my life.
I have devoted most of my adult life to serving God and my fellow man. As a minister for more than 25 years I have been blessed by the opportunity to walk through the "valley of shadow" and climb the mountain of joy with God's chosen people. However, these opportunities have often been more unproductive and self-destructive than I would have liked. I have never been able to keep other people's emotional struggles and dilemmas at arm's length. I get to deeply involved and it leaves scars.
I have shared my life with a wonderful woman who is my soul mate as well as an indispensable partner in ministry. Yet my self-destructive behavior has often led us into emotional, physical and financial hardship. This wonderful, gracious and loving lady has stood beside me and supported me through it all. She is my angel of mercy and at times a warrior coming to my defense. She is a lioness, all be it a petite one.
Our three children now adults themselves, all have a heart for God and are servants of their fellow man. How this happened is a mystery to me. When you consider the number of times we moved during their formative years and how often we they were forced to start over in a new place. My futility as a parent is only matched by my insecurity. It is God who has made this possible, in spite of all my short comings.
We have have lived at or below the poverty level for all of our life. The so-called "American dream" has seemingly eluded my grasp. Mandatory retirement age is rushing toward me at warp factor 9 (for all you Star Trek fans) and I have no retirement account. It is difficult to plan for retirement when it takes everything you make just to survive. I was told by an elder in one church that we should apply for food stamps. Maybe it was pride that prevented me from doing so I am uncertain about this matter. I did not feel this was a good image for the church. This is just my opinion on this matter but I believe it says something negative about the generosity or lack there of by the church.
One reaches an age where your services are no longer desired. This is in spite of all the years of service, advanced education and annual workshops and seminars attended. So I question what is the purpose of my life, what have I accomplished and at times where is God in all of this? I am a 57 year old unemployed man with a post-graduate education, a quarter of a century of experience and no immediate prospects. In a country and from a religious tradition where we are told to work hard, get a good education and promote yourself and you will be successful, you will achieve the "American dream."
This writing is not intended to be an exercise in self-pity. I hope it is an honest self appraisal. I am trying to live it the best way I know how without blame envy or self-pity. Sometimes I just feel the need to honestly express myself. "What's it all about Alfie?" "I Still haven't found what I am looking for." "Knock, Knock, Knockin on Heaven's Door." "They call it Stormy Monday." and It's "Sunday Morning Coming Down." There is a song for every occasion it would seem.....
Welcome to Bob's world.
This is my life.
This is my reality.
Just something to think about along the way.
Bob
3 comments:
Reading your post, I'm reminded of "Mr. Holland's Opus." Although you might feel that the "American Dream" -whatever that really is- you have accomplished and still are accomplishing what so many Christians dream of...faithful children, faithful wife and partner, and a passion for service for God. Don't let the world blind you. You and your family have impacted the world in ways you may never know. You have definitely impacted my family and we thank God for you and your family daily! We love you Bob!
-Craig-
I wonder how one measures productivity in the task of "walking through the valley of shadow" or "climbing the mountain of joy" with someone. It's kind of liking measuring the success of a church by counting attendance. As soon as one tries to quantify the holy, they make the holy mundane.
The truth is that this is the case with all factors of our life. Whether it is family or employment or any of a thousand other aspects of our existence, it is a senselessly painful exercise to compare ourselves to the pattern we have established in our head, because there will invariably be those in a better position than us. The only thing that makes us "successful" in any respect is that God has given the opportunity through his son to have a home with Him. If we've accepted this gift, we are rich beyond measure.
I strongly concur with Craig's comments. You and your family have been such a wonderful blessing to our church. Bob, you impact people without knowing it. You've imacted me in a very positive way on multiple occasions. I need to be better about telling others what they mean to me. So, I'll start now. Bob - Thank you for your kind heart, your eloquence, your dedicated service, and the light you are to those around you (including me).
Jody
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