Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, "Bob's World"

I sit upon the ash heap of my own making and scrape the sores of my own failures with shards of broken dreams. I mourn the death of innocence. Through it all I will attempt to maintain my integrity. I am compelled to wrestle with the questions of why. I eagerly await the coming of my companions who will bring comfort. I long for their insight and wisdom. Come my beloved and join me in my quest.

We sit upon the ground, as the Poet said, "and speak of the death of kings." We warm our bodies, hearts and souls by the fire of God's holy love and stare in wonder into its flickering embers. We all wait for someone to come and share our pain or our joy. Each friend sharing their heart and their insight. Genuine concerns, real and honest. In the midst of it all, it is their presence that is longed for and their nearness that is desired. Come let us reason together and explore the life and reality we share.

Have you ever puzzled over the way we (church people) boldly proclaim that we can see God working among us when good things happen? Does it mean that God is not working among us when bad things happen? Of course to me the real question is how do you define a good or bad thing? The very language implies inclusion or exclusion depending upon one's situation or circumstance.

Have you ever felt that our churchey (my word) language is a bit hollow or inadequate? We rejoice and praise God when someone finds a job or a sick loved one gets well. We shout and praise because God is good to us and our loved ones. It is right and good to rejoice with those who rejoice. Is this a good thing? How do you determining what is good or bad?

What if the person sitting next to us in the pew lost their job or did not find a job. What if their loved one did not recover. What if their parent or child did not come home from the hospital. What if despite all their prayers they are still unemployed or a loved one dies. Does this mean that God is not working in their lives? It is right and good for us to weep with those who weep. Is this a good thing? Again how do you determine what is good or bad?

How do we both weep and rejoice at the same time? Is it even possible to address these seemingly diametrically opposed realities at the same time? Yet they are realities for those sitting in our pews on "any given Sunday". If we address the joy or sorrow of one group does the other group feel neglected, empty or un-important? How do we become more sensitive to the uniqueness of each individual in the body? How do we become more inclusive of all our fellow travelers on this journey of faith?

I would suggest to you we are much better at rejoicing with those who rejoice than we are at weeping with those who weep. It is just much easier, more upbeat and positive to lift our hands in praise than to mourn. We like the song that reminds us that "He will turn our mourning into dancing." Well may be we are not comfortable with the "dancing" part but you know what I mean. Westernized religion is not really comfortable with a "wailing wall," we are much more comfortable with a "celebration or praise center."

Here I sit a sinner waiting upon God. I wait upon my friends, because "I will get by with a little help from my friends...."

Just some things to think about along the way....

Bob

A Long Time Gone Or Welcome Back?

I realize that this is my first post in several months. I have been "A Long Time Gone." I have had a lot of things on my mind, but I am not sure I want to share them with the world. I am not sure that you want me to share them with you. So, I have kept them all inside until I couldn't hold back the raging flood that must burst forth and rush onward toward the sea of my ultimate reality. To attempt to hold back the torrent would be futile, self-destructive and unproductive. Then again I am not sure why I am concerned because futility, self-destructiveness and lack of productivity is the story of my life.

I have devoted most of my adult life to serving God and my fellow man. As a minister for more than 25 years I have been blessed by the opportunity to walk through the "valley of shadow" and climb the mountain of joy with God's chosen people. However, these opportunities have often been more unproductive and self-destructive than I would have liked. I have never been able to keep other people's emotional struggles and dilemmas at arm's length. I get to deeply involved and it leaves scars.

I have shared my life with a wonderful woman who is my soul mate as well as an indispensable partner in ministry. Yet my self-destructive behavior has often led us into emotional, physical and financial hardship. This wonderful, gracious and loving lady has stood beside me and supported me through it all. She is my angel of mercy and at times a warrior coming to my defense. She is a lioness, all be it a petite one.

Our three children now adults themselves, all have a heart for God and are servants of their fellow man. How this happened is a mystery to me. When you consider the number of times we moved during their formative years and how often we they were forced to start over in a new place. My futility as a parent is only matched by my insecurity. It is God who has made this possible, in spite of all my short comings.

We have have lived at or below the poverty level for all of our life. The so-called "American dream" has seemingly eluded my grasp. Mandatory retirement age is rushing toward me at warp factor 9 (for all you Star Trek fans) and I have no retirement account. It is difficult to plan for retirement when it takes everything you make just to survive. I was told by an elder in one church that we should apply for food stamps. Maybe it was pride that prevented me from doing so I am uncertain about this matter. I did not feel this was a good image for the church. This is just my opinion on this matter but I believe it says something negative about the generosity or lack there of by the church.

One reaches an age where your services are no longer desired. This is in spite of all the years of service, advanced education and annual workshops and seminars attended. So I question what is the purpose of my life, what have I accomplished and at times where is God in all of this? I am a 57 year old unemployed man with a post-graduate education, a quarter of a century of experience and no immediate prospects. In a country and from a religious tradition where we are told to work hard, get a good education and promote yourself and you will be successful, you will achieve the "American dream."

This writing is not intended to be an exercise in self-pity. I hope it is an honest self appraisal. I am trying to live it the best way I know how without blame envy or self-pity. Sometimes I just feel the need to honestly express myself. "What's it all about Alfie?" "I Still haven't found what I am looking for." "Knock, Knock, Knockin on Heaven's Door." "They call it Stormy Monday." and It's "Sunday Morning Coming Down." There is a song for every occasion it would seem.....

Welcome to Bob's world.

This is my life.

This is my reality.

At this point you are probably glad that I have been "A Long Time Gone."

Just something to think about along the way.

Bob